I’m extremely self-judgmental and I think it only affects myself, but it affects others as well. If I believed in my own worth then I wouldn’t be so mindful of others. Why is she so pretty, smart, funny, likable? You name it, I’ve thought it. If only I could be like so and so my life would be perfect, but why do I hesitate to give credit where credit is due? Why am I so harsh on myself? If indeed I was free from the binding chains of low self-esteem, I would not put others that do possess the qualities that I desperately desire on such high pedestals. I wouldn’t be consumed with envious thoughts that negatively affect my mood and in turn ruins everyone else’s. Even when I dislike a trait of someone else’s I get so turned off by it because it is reflective on what I am or never would want to become. For example, throughout my life I said to myself, I will never become like my mother. She is too passive, introverted, a push-over, I will fight as hard as I can to not walk the same path as her. But why? What’s so wrong about being these things? Although both passive/push-over is connotatively taken as a bad thing, nonetheless I have failed to recognize the good traits my mother in fact possesses. Therefore, I’ve realized that when I fail to love myself it impacts the way I love others. By not learning to accept myself for who I am, I’m inadvertently holding others to the same degree I expect myself to be. This degree is delusional. Somehow I believe that if I were to improve myself by attaining these things I will be happy, but alas it’s not about “improvement.” Improvement sounds like there is something you need to fix about yourself, as if at this very moment you are not good enough, you are not worthy. However, what I find is that one should strive towards growth instead, growth entails that at this particular time and place you are very much worth it, but being better than good is a perfectly healthy goal.
Although I cannot determine the source of my dissatisfaction, I’ve become overly aware of the fact that it is occurring more often then before… I’d be completely enraptured in the moment and then the next second I’d take a step back and be utterly discontent with my surroundings. A constant wave of doubt and uncertainty of whether being there, doing whatever, with whomever at the time being would be an advancement on my pursuit of happiness or act as a hindrance.
This is a rant about things that I cannot comprehend, specifically about the female population. It’s also an identification of why it’s so damn difficult to make new friends these days with other girls. This is going to sound like a generalization, but I’ve met exceptions and I’m fortunate to have met them because they keep my belief that girls can be real bitches at bay.
First - how hard is it to smile? Personally I don’t think it is. Even if you know you’re never going to see that person again, in that brief moment you guys shared where your eyes meet, why not have it be a positive one?
Secondly - If you’re being introduced to someone you just met, why can’t you genuinely say hi? Even if it’s for the second time, let me tell you what is an inappropriate response to your friend re-introducing -> “We’ve already met.” No smile and I think she glared at me. Like wtf. What is wrong with people?
Lastly - Why can’t I make friends similar to the ones I have now? Is it really that difficult post HS? Even post college? It’s still so clique-y. But you know what we do when we’re out with new people? We include e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y. Why? Cuz it sucks to be left out. We always find it more fun to be inclusive rather than exclusive and to as why other girls don’t follow suit is beyond me. It blows my mind that there is a lack of caring. We don’t have to all sit around the campfire singing kumbaya, but shit acknowledge me as a person.
Maybe it’s just me and I have this unnatural inclination to get to know people and maybe not even their whole life story, but just something passed the basics of knowing their name. At times I don’t even think they care for mine even. My name that is. That’s some hella basic shit.